something orange
salutations. simply put, i survive on ambition, i starve for originality, i live for art, i breathe vanity. please, make an effort to entertain me.

i really wonder how much i actually mean to others.

please, don’t forget me so easily. 

i feel like i’ve been made the designated babysitter without my consent. if there’s anything i dislike is being depended on so unceremoniously. forgive me if my little torch of kindness has been so thoroughly doused, but i’m saving all the fuel for my own self-preservation. 

i believe that the one thing that we strive for most in our lives is reassurance. reassurance that we will be financially stable when we’re older. reassurance that we won’t be lonely when we grow old. reassurance that we’ll go to a better place when we die. reassurance that the new brand of coffee we purchase won’t taste so disappointingly similar to watered down mud. 

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at to what end am i stressing myself out for? why am i so unhappy? what the hell is it that i want? even after so long, i still can’t even figure that out. what am i depressing myself for? all the chronic stress i place on myself — why do i do it? my life is not difficult, not even close. it’s handed to me on a silver platter. what more can i ask for? is that why i always beating myself up? i have this neurotic way of always reasoning that i am undeserving of any luxury that comes my way — that i am beneath having good things. i somehow have a knack for working myself mentally into exhaustion that i don’t even leave room to be truly happy. what am i doing to myself? WHY am i doing this to myself? 

you’re down for the count. but you’re not out yet. just, please, get through this. 

learning human.

in the midst of finals and crisis between a friend and i, it has become pertinent, for the sake of my own sanity, that i take a little time to put thought into concrete words. if only thoughts were tangible material that can be stored away and taken out to deal with later — i feel, then, you can become the person that you want to be, without being burdened by excess quandaries. 

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god, i’m just driving everyone away, aren’t i?